HOW TO BE A WOMAN;
a style guide based on 
things I have genuinely seen
on the internet:
 
CLOTHING:
1. jeans are so cute they show you’re a laid-back kind of girl
2. don’t wear jeans, they’re so lazy
3. DO wear jeans, just not high-waisted ones
4. but never sweatpants
5. unless you’re not wearing underwear (cute winky face) 
6. a sweater is fine if you’re half naked, else it’s bulky
7.  dress tasteful, dread the curse that no one will marry you
8. but don’t dress like a prude, fear the reality no one will want you
9. also don’t wear makeup or like fashion because it’s shallow
10. but always be wearing makeup and nice clothes
11. going shopping for new clothes - dumb girls, am i right?
12. but having the same four shirts is legitimately posion
13. crop tops are in
14. and also one of the sixteen traits men HATE that are happening
15. spaghetti straps are way too alluring, bake alive in the summer
16. you don’t deserve cheap but durable clothing, it is a myth 
17. and on that note, so are pockets
  
BODY:
1. you’re not a woman without curves!
2. but like in all the right places 
3. not like thin-thin but like thin
4. like be a victoria’s secret model is what we’re saying
5. actually you know what try not to have any body whatsoever, we much prefer a glowing orb of cotton candy and glitter
  
BEHAVIOR:
1. be confident!
2. well actually men like women who show weakness
3. thirty, flirty, and thriving
4. but actually you should be twenty-five and modest and a housewife
5. know how to cook, clean, and sew
6. and also watch sports, change your own engine, and drive a truck
7. the strongest woman lets a man help her! 
8. but really honey when will you clean up the house a little
9. be passionate, be charismatic, be fun
10. but don’t overwhelm him with your obssession, it’s gross
11. and don’t be an attention seeker, save the charm for in private
12. also above all don’t be crazy! follow his lead in adventures
13. speak your mind 
14. never do that i lied
15. go out there and find your own guy, there’s no prince charming
16. just kidding the guy you picked is trash all girls love jerks
17. apologize before asking questions or speaking or when existing
18. friendly reminder from an old guy that apologies are a weakness
19. be cute and mysterious: have issues that your partner can solve
20. wait we just realized having real problems isn’t actually cute at all
21. like, you know, let him save you, but don’t be, like, mentally ill
22. also, save him, he is a sad protagonist
23. be funny but never as funny as the guy in the room 
24. the real kind of beautiful is unconventional
25. here are sixteen supermodels who look nothing like that
26. kissing girls is only acceptable if a man is present to watch 
27. your behavior when drunk isn’t concerning, it’s vine-worthy
28. nobody will help you, you got yourself into this mess
29. say no to food, to sex, to drugs, to liquor, it’s crass to have fun
30. do not write feminist poetry you will get your own reddit thread
31. but don’t be afraid express yourself, make a splash
32. oh god not like that 
33. being single is okay as long as you’re straight and pretty
34. everything you do, say, think, or feel will be judged to an extent that you will have to question your own motives and behaviors before engaging in them
35. but go out there, have some fun! it’s great to be a woman!